I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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