I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
