Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
