i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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