happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
