does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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