Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
