plz talk dirty to me
My room smells like vodka and shame
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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