your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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