Midget sex pt 2 tonight
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize