Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
