sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
