You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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