3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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