That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
