A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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