i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
