girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
