I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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