You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
3 2 1 whiskey
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
