The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
