what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize