A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
