I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
