MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
