I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
