If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
well you can't waste a boner
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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