So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
