It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
