i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
