ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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