If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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