i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
