If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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