70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
