I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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