she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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