So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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