dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
