Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
