I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
