I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize