i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
