Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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