good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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