My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
