When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
