Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize