i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
