I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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