She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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