The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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