This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
