Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You're like the curious george of whores
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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