Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
