Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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