Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
