I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
