one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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